On the dead CBA

Let's imagine for a moment that you work at a coffee shop. This coffee shop is making more money than it ever has before. More customers than ever are buying coffee, and the prices are the highest they've ever been. Things are going great, for the most part. I mean, occasionally someone gets burned by the coffee machine, but that's the risk of working in a coffee shop, right?

Then one day, the owner tells you that he want to cut your pay by 18%, because he's not making enough money. And not only that, he want to make your work day 12.5% longer, and reduce pay even more for new employees. Once you've calmed down, and fought off the urge to shove a venti cup up his ass, wouldn't you ask for some proof? I mean, he's claiming poverty, and that doesn't tally at all with the reality you see around you every day. The other branches in Dallas and New York just opened fancy new stores.

So you ask to see some proof that he's not making enough money. No, he says. You have to trust me. I have the right to deny you access to my accounts. Sure, you say. Of course you do; you run a private enterprise. But I also have the right to not let you cut my pay by 18%, while increasing my hours. If you want me to work more for less pay, this is a vital step in the process. I can't trust you on blind faith alone.

You have to, he says. But the accounts of that socially-owned coffee shop in Green Bay show that they're making cash hand over fist, you say. And they're in the smallest coffee market in the country.

No, he says finally. No deal. I'm locking the doors.


This is the ultimate reason why we might not have an NFL in 2011. And if we do, it will be at a price that the owners won't like, since the players will win in court.

And who loses the most, in both eventualities?

The fans.

Tiger Woods: Who Gives A Shit

 

Still smiling, not giving a shit what you think

Apologies in advance to those sensitive to adult language and themes: this post will contain several incidents of them. If you'd prefer not to read adult language and themes, I suggest you look at this picture of a miniature pony and a Shire horse instead. It's both heart-warming and thought-provoking. For the rest of you, here's what I have to say.

Who gives a shit about what Tiger Woods does away from a golf course? This started when I read Dave Miller's post over at the National Football Post, which is usually one of the best sources of writing about sports that exists on the internet. In one intellectually stunted, thoughtless screed, Miller makes the following claims:

1. The Tiger Woods Brand is finished
2. For some unspecified reason, Woods will never win a Grand Slam
3. Woods is "fatigued and older, exhausted and dethroned"
4. Woods' stint in sex rehab was not sincere
5. Woods' "actions affected so many"
6. Woods is "incapable of change"

Let's destroy the easy ones first. Unless Dave Miller has some secret, close relationship with Tiger Woods which he isn't disclosing, I think he's in no position to judge either point 4 or point 6. I make no claims that he's wrong, I just don't think he has any evidence to draw those conclusions. They may well be perfectly correct. Unfortunately, the writer just pulled them out of his ass.

Point 2 is frankly bizarre, since Miller offers no reason to support his opinion, leading us to believe that it is related to Woods' recent scandals. Well, if fucking some random whores is a huge roadblock to success, I guess that Wilt Chamberlain will never amount to anything. Or Bill Clinton. Or John F. Kennedy. Or Howard Hughes.

 

You'll piss and whine, and he'll keep winning

As for points 1 and 3, how about waiting until the guy has actually swung a fucking golf club before you make those judgements? The Tiger Woods Brand is not based on being a family man, it's based on regularly pounding the shit out of the best the world can offer on a golf course. If he continues to do that, the Brand lives on. People will still buy Nike golf gear. People will still buy all the reams of junk he endorses. Male golfers around the world don't care about his womanizing. They care about being associated with the runaway freight train of success that Tiger Woods has been since 1996. They don't wear Nike golf gear to show the world that they are committed family men, they wear it to show that they're serious golfers, or rich, or have dubious sartorial tastes.

But it's point 5 that irks me the most. Miller tells us that he doesn't care about Woods' private life, and neither should we, but "his efforts in essentially living a double life make us care when his actions affected so many."

Really? His actions affected so many? How many is that exactly?

Himself. His wife. His kids. There's a solid four. The women he screwed? I think we can safely say they have an equal share in the blame for that. The rest of the slavish rabble out there who think they were affected by his actions? Mindless drones, all of them.

Mindless drones lapping up the slop served to them by the media. It's like a less-extreme version of the death of Princess Diana, with weak-minded sheep weeping in the streets, braying "I felt like I knew her." Well you didn't. You knew a media representation of her, and she didn't give two shits about you. That's not to say she was a bad person. I have no idea whether she was a bad person or not, because I didn't know her.

A man you don't know

We don't know Tiger Woods. He does not make any decisions related to our lives. His actions simply did not affect any of us. All he did was fuck a bunch of cheap women. Is that a big deal? Yes, but only to his immediate family. For the rest of us, it's tabloid crap and nothing more.

Next season, barring injuries, Tiger Woods will once again be the best golfer in the world. He will win tournaments, and probably majors. He will make more money from endorsements than most other golfers combined. In short, he will continue being Tiger Woods.

The world didn't end. Nothing of any real value changed. You can now return to your homes, and for fuck's sake, stop writing about it like it matters.

Jay Cutler: Not Very Good

 

"Triple coverage? No problem!"

A great read: Ron Jaworski analyses all 26 interceptions thrown by Jay Cutler in 2009, and finds that most of them were poor reads, awful decisions, or caused by unreliable throwing mechanics. Two first rounders and a third rounder, right? This guy badly needs a coach - I hope Mike Martz can do something with him in 2010, because there's a lot of talent going to waste there.

Way to be teammates, guys

 

Korean short-track speed skater Lee Ho-Suk, one hell of a teammate

Teamwork fail: Korean short track speedskater Lee Ho-Suk tried to cut inside his teammate Sung Si-Bak on the last bend of their 1500m final, clipped Sung's skate, took them both out of the race, denied Korea a 1-2-3 finish, and gifted the silver medal to the most hated man in Korea, Apolo Anton Ohno. He'll be hung, drawn and quartered at the gates of Seoul when the team returns next month.

Roster bonuses: the worried men

Roster bonuses are not often discussed in depth by the sports media, but they play a huge role in who gets cut in the preseason. Roster bonuses are payments (usually of the enormous variety) paid to players who are on their team's roster on a specific date. Some of the most significant roster bonuses are listed below. Some of the men on the list will get cut. Some will restructure their deals. Some will get paid in a major way.

Lito Sheppard, CB, New York Jets

 

Lito Sheppard: worth it? In a word, no

Bonus: $10 million
Due Date: March 10th

This is a staggering amount of money for a guy who is the second-best cornerback on his team (All-Pro Darrelle Revis mans the other side). Sheppard this week told Manish Mehta of the Newark Star-Ledger that he thinks he's "worth it." I don't know what tape he watched this season, but it can't have been one of Sheppard, 2009 vintage.  I'm not sure how this will go down, but the New York Jets will not be paying Lito Sheppard ten million dollars on March 10th. Whether he gets cut or restructures is up in the air. One factor in play here is that the Jets don't really have another corner they can promote to starter - nickel back Dwight Lowery is solid, but severely lacking in speed. In a division with Randy Moss, Lee Evans and Ted Ginn Jr., that's a killer.

Thomas Jones, RB, New York Jets

 

Jones spots the writing on the wall

Bonus: $3 million
Due Date: March 10th

Staying in New Jersey, the Jets also have to deal with chronic contract-demander Thomas Jones. He'll be 32 come the start of the 2010 season, and despite another good season in 2009 (his sixth straight 1300-yard season), has to be worried about his job security. Rookie Shonn Greene bagged 304 yards and 2 TDs in the Jets' surprising playoff run, and seems ready to be a featured back. This seems to spell the end for Jones in New York. He'll catch on elsewhere, however, since he's still healthy and productive. He'll go down as one of the most underrated, underappreciated running backs in NFL history - his 4.0 career ypc makes him statistically better than Floyd Little and John Riggins, both of whom are in the Hall of Fame.

Stacy Andrews, OG, Philadelphia Eagles

 

The Andrews brothers: making momma proud

 Bonus: $4.1 million
Due Date: April 4th

Underperforming tackle becomes injured underperforming tackle, becomes injured underperforming tackle-turned-guard? This guy is worth over four million dollars in bonuses? He was a healthy scratch more than once last year, and was replaced by Max Jean-Gilles several times due to his need to improve his pass-protection techniques . He started a total of two games. The team takes no cap hit if they release him. I say Andrews restructures significantly to gave him the chance to compete for a starting job, and potentially play alongside his brother Shawn (physical and mental state notwithstanding).

Antrel Rolle, FS, Arizona Cardinals

 

Antrel Rolle celebrates the overpayment in his future

Bonus: $4 million
Due Date: March 5th

Rolle made the Pro Bowl for the first time in 2009, which is great timing for him, since his big roster bonus, huge salary ($8.1 million in 2010) and hitting all the escalators in his rookie deal make it impossible for the Cardinals to pay him everything he's due. This means he'll either restructure, get released, or get a trade. The restructured deal needs to contain some serious goodies for him, since he has no motivation to make a deal right now. Being released or traded would mean a new deal, which would likely be in the top ten safety deals in the NFL, thanks to his age and recent productivity. I wouldn't want to be the Cardinals contract guy right now, with Rolle, Anquan Boldin, Darnell Dockett and Karlos Dansby all popular, productive and lining up outside his office. If he is traded, Miami could be a landing spot, since their free safety Gibril Wilson was a predictable disappointment in 2009, and Rolle was a successful college player in Miami.

You Should Retire

Guys, you've been great. You've broken records, won Super Bowls, been heroes, and made your families proud. But now, it's over. You're shadows of your former selves. Instead of carrying on too long, go gracefully. Don't rage against the dying of the light, or the dwindling of your yards-per-carry. Don't be Shaun Alexander. Be Barry Sanders. Don't leave us with the memory of the year you played for the Chiefs and embarrassed yourself.

LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego Chargers (for now, at least)

 

A familiar sight: Tomlinson stuffed at the line of scrimmage. In 2006, he would have scored a 96-yard TD and saved the rainforest

Make no mistake, LT will not have a lightning bolt on his uniform next season, unless he makes an unexpected decision to play for the '79 Detroit Pistons, or the Nazis. I remember saying to a friend back in the '06 season that Tomlinson's average stat line was something like 20 rushes for 150 yards and 3 TDs, 5 receptions for 50 yards and another 2 TDs, 1 pass for 10 yards and a TD, one orphan saved from a burning building, one cure for cancer, and one terrorist plot foiled in the nick of time. In 2009, his actual average stat line was 16 carries for 52 yards, less than 1 TD, one reception for 7.7 yards, and bunch of pissed-off Chargers fans. It's not pretty to see the downside of a running back's career, but it happens to the best of them. Remember Marshall Faulk's last couple of years? I hope you don't, because they take the gloss off of a surefire Hall-of-Fame career. Emmitt Smith the Cardinal? Tony Dorsett in Denver? Eric Dickerson with the Raiders or Falcons? Running backs have a habit of holding on too long, thinking they can recapture the greatness they had. But whether it's caused by slowing down, injuries, or lack of talent around them, it never happens. I still think it's early enough for Tomlinson to retire, and for all of us to only remember the unbelievable player he was from 2001-2007. But the smart money says he laces them up for another year, with the Seahawks, or the Chiefs, or the Bears, or some other also-ran. More's the pity.

Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia Eagles

 

Westbrook: "Ouch, my ankle/achilles/groin/knee/brain" (delete as appropriate)

I could write something, or you could just read the Tomlinson section again. It's basically the same, except with more concussions. I actually think there's a decent chance Westbrook reads the writing on the wall, and hangs it up, though. The factor here is that the Eagles have a ready-made replacement in LeSean McCoy. His name has four separate capital letters, and you can't say that about too many people.


Flozell Adams, OT, Dallas Cowboys

 

Flozell Adams grapples with Justin Tuck. Tuck beat him on an inside stunt, and strip-sacked Tony Romo

Adams was memorably described as a 'dirtbag' by Giants DE Justin Tuck after New York's win in week 13. Adams pushed Tuck from behind after the play was dead, causing a melee. He was fined four times overall in the 2009 season, for offences including kicking Julius Peppers (I'm pretty sure most of Carolina wants to do that, though). What was lost in the mess, though, is that Adams isn't actually any good anymore. The Cowboys O-line got Tony Romo sacked 34 times, many of them coming through the turnstile that is now the left side. This included Ray Edwards getting three of the Vikings' six in the divisional playoff game that ended Dallas's season, and Elvis Dumervil spending a lot of quality time with Romo in week 4. Doug Free played well enough during his 7-week stint filling in for injured RT Marc Colombo, and Adams is due $5 million in 2010. There's probably another disappointing year in this story, though.

Jake Delhomme, QB, Carolina Panthers

 

Jake Delhomme does a spot-on impression of all Carolina fans

This man is now battling only JaMarcus Russell to be the worst QB in the NFL. A scary stat (for Panthers fans): Chris Johnson had only 11 fewer yards rushing than Delhomme had passing in 2009. Johnson had 6 more TDs, too. Interesting theory: Carolina would have been better playing DeAngelo Williams or Jonathan Stewart in the wildcat all season, and running it on every down. Even more frightening: Carolina paid Delhomme over $6.3 million in 2009. The most frightening thing you'll hear all week: Carolina is due to pay Delhomme $11.76 million in 2010. Eleven million dollars! Eleven million! I think I'm going to have a stroke. Someone get me Marty Hurney's phone number. I feel like playing some quarterback, and I hear he'll give $42 million contracts to anyone. On a more serious note, Delhomme is simply not an NFL-caliber QB anymore. He's not going to get any better from here. Matt Moore looked good in the last 5 games of the season, and there's no reason for Carolina not to move on. There's also no shame in retiring for Delhomme. He's overachieved massively in his career. A Super Bowl and a Pro Bowl appearance are way beyond what someone with his talent level can expect to achieve - most guys with his talent level never get past backup status. Hard work and intelligence got him to the top level, albeit briefly.

Assorted others who are really, really old

 

John Carney, rookie year

Fun fact: when John Carney first kicked in the NFL, Reagan was president, U2 released The Joshua Tree, the Nike Air Max was first designed, Rashard Mendenhall, Tim Tebow, and Darren McFadden were born, and Andy Warhol, Fred Astaire and Liberace died... As much as he was a personal favourite of mine, nobody wants Jeff Garcia, or will ever want him again...Bobby Engram, Joey Galloway, Isaac Bruce: still looking for jobs, won't find them... Muhsin Muhammad: saved by his blocking... Terrell Owens: probably has one more year left... Lawyer Milloy, Grady Jackson, Todd Collins: give it up...

Gone too soon

Gaines Adams, 1983-2010

Chicago Bears defensive end Gaines Adams died this morning in Greenwood, South Carolina, aged only 26. His death appears to have been caused by an enlarged heart, which triggered a heart attack. I remember seeing Adams in his first season in Tampa Bay, and thinking that he had a bright future in the game.

Adams, as he should be remembered, sacking Kyle Orton